oh, Susie. My heart is aching. I just want to cry. I'm so, so sorry that happened to you.
You know, when my kids were very small I had a neighbor who did this to her infant, lovingly believing that she was "raising kids G-d's way". This was a Christian movement about 30 years ago which I hope and pray has ended, but she said to me that "G-d's world has order so we make order for our babies. Soon the baby will learn to relax and trust that she will be fed and changed regularly". Meanwhile I was in the "attachment parenting" camp so I was appalled. I'm sure I found ways to harm my kids too though; we all do.
Susie this line particularly struck me: "I trace my Hospice chaplaincy to her immersion in other people’s troubles." The bright and dark of it, and the beauty of your taking this time to continue to deepen and grow your amazing spirit. Thank you for sharing this with us.
This is such a loving response, Pam. All the trends and fads that come and go are sometimes really destructive and sometimes just humorous to me. I remember being really puzzled when people stopped feeding their children cow's milk after I was brought up on 3 glasses a day. It did mean a lot to me to get in touch with my mother's influence on the work I chose to do. She certainly didn't look like a chaplain.
A realistic and hard won assessment. A preverbal feeling of no-safety is grievously wounding First, recognizing and then struggling to overcome is not for the faint hearted. But it can be done or at the least modified. As you have articulated clearly.
Thank you, Mary. My engagement with Plum Village buddhism over the last ten years or so has really raised my awareness of uncertainty, given it language. My experience as an infant was an extreme degree of uncertainty, but I do believe that uncertainty itself is what life is about.
Susie, thank you for this piece. Reading other women’s voices about not getting basic needs met, I think speaks to the breadth of that neediness. I also think that your “nurse” ( I do t think she deserves such a warm and caring name) was part of a generation of “mothers” who learned their mothering from Dr. Spock and other men who were “experts” about what women “should” do. Sadly this generation of men also want power over women and their bodies … I digress, but few things make me as angry as patriarchy in all its controlling forms. Thank you for writing this piece.
I can only speculate about how many in my age cohort grew up with those ideas about mothering. Dr. Spock was revered. As late as the '70s when I was mothering an infant, I used him as a reference work. When we're in the thick of it, we have no idea that our way is not the only way.
Always such a beautiful reflection on the complexity of being here. I don't know anyone anywhere who has been parented enough, and the continuum of parenting from ok to truly awful is, I increasingly think, infinite. We modern mammals are way too far from the model that all the other mammals on this planet still practice. We're such a bunch of lonely, challenged people who are trying (many of us) so very hard in such isolated ways. Thank you for connecting with some us "out here" as you do. I do think that when we have not had the support to have our needs met it can take lots of years and lots of will to start to tune into need and then to meet it. Bring on the avocados and all else that you get to choose for your own nourishment, food and otherwise.
Indeed. Lonely and challenged...and, believe me, I'm aware of being blessed beyond measure. Maybe this allows me to think and write about these things. The connection is magical and continues to remind me of our interbeing.
I hope you know I am not suggesting you should feel any differently, e.g., blessed by having had the childhood you did--I'm sure there were riches of spirit or you'd not be who you are but you were deprived of security and loving touch. I wanted to reinforce that this doesn't seem to be personal to any of us, we are all deserving, YOU are deserving and I'm so glad you're caring for yourself.
It would not occur to me to think you were trying to twist my arm. I hear you, as they say. I wasn't really referring to a blessed childhood as much as a blessed present. My gentle life allows me to remember and look deeply at the early deprivation.
Thank you. I am sleeping better. Despite the many current reasons to lie awake, I'm taking much better care of myself and confronting the demons, internal and external.
Your response to Peggy, where you say that your sister spoke of hearing the new baby crying all the time is so powerful. And now, at this time in your life, YOU are making the space and time to listen to the crying of that baby. How fine! How beautifully honest and brave to share it with us.
It makes sense to me and I'm gratified that other people, like yourself, hear it the way I hear it. My sister didn't really like my mother. I assume that was primarily between the two of them but it's possible that she harbored some resentment about how I was left alone.
🤔73 here and raised with not only certain 1950's certain American standards, but more importantly, raised by the 1920's-30's standards of a Mom raised in the Depression by 2 working parents by the standards of how Austrians, Bavarians, and German Jews--her parents in this Country since they had come her in the 1800's for her would have done it. (Her Dad from Russia/ Ukraine and indulgent with his only and adoring daughter.) Both of parents not much around physically for a variety of understandable reasons.)
So boy do I understand and recognize / empathize with what you went through, are going through, and appreciate your venturing out to heal both privately & publicly. I will write more: I have never figured out how to stop feeling abandoned or neglected in certain crucial ways from minute one by a middle class / upper middle class family that did just enough right to produce accomplished daughters, but were also not much physically around. (And then, were "absent" when they were around...)
I have never heard you talk about this before. It's a seriously painful beginning to being in the world and your struggle with it is difficult and noble. I have wondered if my mother followed the four hour rule when I was tiny; no way of knowing. Such insanity to think an infant can learn to wait. Know that this part of you is cared about, as well as all of you.
Thank you, P. I'm fortunate that my sister passed this knowing along to me years ago when she was still able to remember and process her experience of hearing the new baby crying all the time. These gaping holes in our history - like you not knowing what kind of care you got - exert their own special power. My guess is that particular pernicious idea came in postwar.
oh, Susie. My heart is aching. I just want to cry. I'm so, so sorry that happened to you.
You know, when my kids were very small I had a neighbor who did this to her infant, lovingly believing that she was "raising kids G-d's way". This was a Christian movement about 30 years ago which I hope and pray has ended, but she said to me that "G-d's world has order so we make order for our babies. Soon the baby will learn to relax and trust that she will be fed and changed regularly". Meanwhile I was in the "attachment parenting" camp so I was appalled. I'm sure I found ways to harm my kids too though; we all do.
Susie this line particularly struck me: "I trace my Hospice chaplaincy to her immersion in other people’s troubles." The bright and dark of it, and the beauty of your taking this time to continue to deepen and grow your amazing spirit. Thank you for sharing this with us.
This is such a loving response, Pam. All the trends and fads that come and go are sometimes really destructive and sometimes just humorous to me. I remember being really puzzled when people stopped feeding their children cow's milk after I was brought up on 3 glasses a day. It did mean a lot to me to get in touch with my mother's influence on the work I chose to do. She certainly didn't look like a chaplain.
A realistic and hard won assessment. A preverbal feeling of no-safety is grievously wounding First, recognizing and then struggling to overcome is not for the faint hearted. But it can be done or at the least modified. As you have articulated clearly.
Thank you, Mary. My engagement with Plum Village buddhism over the last ten years or so has really raised my awareness of uncertainty, given it language. My experience as an infant was an extreme degree of uncertainty, but I do believe that uncertainty itself is what life is about.
Susie, thank you for this piece. Reading other women’s voices about not getting basic needs met, I think speaks to the breadth of that neediness. I also think that your “nurse” ( I do t think she deserves such a warm and caring name) was part of a generation of “mothers” who learned their mothering from Dr. Spock and other men who were “experts” about what women “should” do. Sadly this generation of men also want power over women and their bodies … I digress, but few things make me as angry as patriarchy in all its controlling forms. Thank you for writing this piece.
I can only speculate about how many in my age cohort grew up with those ideas about mothering. Dr. Spock was revered. As late as the '70s when I was mothering an infant, I used him as a reference work. When we're in the thick of it, we have no idea that our way is not the only way.
Always such a beautiful reflection on the complexity of being here. I don't know anyone anywhere who has been parented enough, and the continuum of parenting from ok to truly awful is, I increasingly think, infinite. We modern mammals are way too far from the model that all the other mammals on this planet still practice. We're such a bunch of lonely, challenged people who are trying (many of us) so very hard in such isolated ways. Thank you for connecting with some us "out here" as you do. I do think that when we have not had the support to have our needs met it can take lots of years and lots of will to start to tune into need and then to meet it. Bring on the avocados and all else that you get to choose for your own nourishment, food and otherwise.
Indeed. Lonely and challenged...and, believe me, I'm aware of being blessed beyond measure. Maybe this allows me to think and write about these things. The connection is magical and continues to remind me of our interbeing.
I hope you know I am not suggesting you should feel any differently, e.g., blessed by having had the childhood you did--I'm sure there were riches of spirit or you'd not be who you are but you were deprived of security and loving touch. I wanted to reinforce that this doesn't seem to be personal to any of us, we are all deserving, YOU are deserving and I'm so glad you're caring for yourself.
It would not occur to me to think you were trying to twist my arm. I hear you, as they say. I wasn't really referring to a blessed childhood as much as a blessed present. My gentle life allows me to remember and look deeply at the early deprivation.
Yes, exactly that for me, too--it turns out to be grand to age, doesn't it?
A huge surprise1
I love the avocados as self nurturing. So interesting how early experiences frame your life. Hope you’re sleeping better.
Thank you. I am sleeping better. Despite the many current reasons to lie awake, I'm taking much better care of myself and confronting the demons, internal and external.
Good to hear! Take care!
Your response to Peggy, where you say that your sister spoke of hearing the new baby crying all the time is so powerful. And now, at this time in your life, YOU are making the space and time to listen to the crying of that baby. How fine! How beautifully honest and brave to share it with us.
It makes sense to me and I'm gratified that other people, like yourself, hear it the way I hear it. My sister didn't really like my mother. I assume that was primarily between the two of them but it's possible that she harbored some resentment about how I was left alone.
avocados and self-advocacy. powerful stuff and a powerful piece. thanks.
It's an amazing discovery when you realize you can feed yourself.
Or discover - for those who do - that you can cook, with or without a recipe!
I've taken to saving recipes from the Times. Even as I write this, I am making some spinach and rice concoction that I have high hopes for.
Let me know how it turns out!
It was good but I want to wean myself of big bowls of carbs...my downfall.
🤔73 here and raised with not only certain 1950's certain American standards, but more importantly, raised by the 1920's-30's standards of a Mom raised in the Depression by 2 working parents by the standards of how Austrians, Bavarians, and German Jews--her parents in this Country since they had come her in the 1800's for her would have done it. (Her Dad from Russia/ Ukraine and indulgent with his only and adoring daughter.) Both of parents not much around physically for a variety of understandable reasons.)
So boy do I understand and recognize / empathize with what you went through, are going through, and appreciate your venturing out to heal both privately & publicly. I will write more: I have never figured out how to stop feeling abandoned or neglected in certain crucial ways from minute one by a middle class / upper middle class family that did just enough right to produce accomplished daughters, but were also not much physically around. (And then, were "absent" when they were around...)
So keep trying to heal and make sense of it all.
I have never heard you talk about this before. It's a seriously painful beginning to being in the world and your struggle with it is difficult and noble. I have wondered if my mother followed the four hour rule when I was tiny; no way of knowing. Such insanity to think an infant can learn to wait. Know that this part of you is cared about, as well as all of you.
Thank you, P. I'm fortunate that my sister passed this knowing along to me years ago when she was still able to remember and process her experience of hearing the new baby crying all the time. These gaping holes in our history - like you not knowing what kind of care you got - exert their own special power. My guess is that particular pernicious idea came in postwar.