Talk is Cheap. Check It Out.

May 21, 2025

Few things in life nourish the soul like good conversation. I’m talking about the kind, preferably in person, where two people speak and listen in a rhythm that enriches each of them separately and the two of them together in unexpected ways so that the whole really is greater than the sum of its parts. This very basic human interaction has become increasingly rare. It turns out to be a skill, like tennis or chess, that requires practice. When that skill atrophies from disuse, people either withdraw into their own silos or make small talk or monologue. Withdrawal must be common given the number of articles we read about the epidemic of loneliness while we’re not speaking to one another. Small talk is not conversation. It’s just a stream of word musak that fills the air waves. Many people make noises that pretend to be conversation and will continue in this key unless or until the other person asks a good question. A question can be scary but it can also be redemptive. It can signal that you’re really interested in the person across the table and want to learn about them beyond their shopping habits. I’ve seen conversations take flight out of nowhere when someone has the courage to lift them up, set them free and enliven them with inquiry. Monologuing is also not conversation even if the talker seems to be very open about their ideas and experience. If a monologue goes on for too long and doesn’t end with “what do you think?” conversation is doomed. How long is too long is a complicated question. Let’s just say, I don’t call it a conversation if it’s not bilateral.

two person talking while standing near wall — Photo by Cristina Gottardi on Unsplash

There are two continents of speech that invite exploration, the exterior world and the interior world. In the exterior world, people talk about politics, books, ideas, any subject of shared interest. This territory has been invaded by polarization, undermined by lack of shared literacy, and overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information. It’s difficult to sit with a friend and exchange thoughts about climate change or the war in Gaza without the entire internet crashing the party. In a footnote, I should add that I recently had my first experience of being attacked online. I commented on the recent article in the NYTimes about the three Yale professors who issued a warning about the decline of democracy and indicated they might have to leave the US to enjoy academic freedom. FaceBook readers suggested that these privileged academics should in fact leave the country and better yet I should go with them! We are living in a time when all facts are subject to dispute, when talking about the world can be treacherous and when people you don’t even know are angry at you.

When people speak about their interior world, their feelings and personal experiences, there is a different frontier of risk. Self-revealing carries with it the possibility of manifesting as someone other than the person you think you want to be, someone with flaws….as if that doesn’t characterize all of us. People will go to great lengths to avoid being authentic if they fear judgment. Some people want to be right all the time. Some people feel victimized and can only tell you about that in various ways over and over again. Most people prefer to monitor their level of exposure and this choreography, this waltzing in and out of hiding, leaves us in a constant state of anxiety. Did I say too much about myself? And what about the other person? Was I intrusive when I asked about her private life? All this second-guessing gets in the way of acknowledging that what we all ultimately want is to be seen, known and accepted for who we really are. Wouldn’t it be wonderful for me to change out of this hot, scratchy costume and just be myself? Wouldn’t it be lovely to take a refreshing swim in commonality instead of perpetuating the delusion that I am the only one who is scared?

Instead of isolation and a parade of missed opportunities, you and I could choose to center ourselves on connection. That would be an act of political and spiritual courage. We could revive the lost art of conversation. It would be freeing and free of charge. Talk is cheap. Check it out.

seventysomething

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