I've never been as interested in the past as the future--neither of which is helpful when trying to live closer to the present. And you are right about AA. Like religion, you are urged to keep believing in the narrative and nurture your commitment to it.
A good illustration of impermanence. We change no matter what, but to be cognizant of that, and to have some input into our transitions...that's wisdom. Your choice in middle age benefits all of us who follow you.
I got sober with the help of AA almost 40 yrs ago. After a decade or so I began to drift away, but didn't cut ties completely. About 15 years ago, I was asked to be guest speaker at a large meeting. I was on the podium about to tell my story when a voice in my head announced: "You don't know the person anymore that you are about to claim to be ." That was my--very awkward--transitional moment.
That's a powerful story. How did you manage it? Another correspondent wrote about the phases of his life growing alongside one another like the rings of a tree......the sense that the past is included in the present. I find that provocative.
I told the truth--that I suddenly realized I don't actually remember the person named Betsy who drank. I didn't get much feedback afterwards. A lot of AA folks believe "Once an alcoholic, always and alcoholic." So forgetting your former drinking/suffering self seems risky. As a firm believer in impermanence, I was ok with Betsy being reborn--a positive transition. I can no longer conjure up that earlier self. But then I've never had a good memory for the past. I couldn't write the stories you write about childhood.
The past is very alive for me. Still, I appreciate your "non-attachment to views." It sounds like you knew you were "supposed" to identify as an alcoholic for the rest of your life, but that belief didn't coincide with your reality. So you scrapped it on the spot and stayed present to the reality of impermanence. So hard to do...in front of a large meeting, no less.
I am reflecting that my old self is but a layer of my current self, like rings on a tree. The regrets are maybe like burn marks that are grown over by new rings. how fortunate we are, that we have the capacity for growth at any age.
This is a beautiful reflection. I've been thinking a lot about the possibility of change and how important it is to believe in positive change and make space for it.
The more I think of it, I think a portion of our behaviors is born out of insecurity. I think the more we know ourselves and are comfortable with who we are, the possibilities for growth and happiness are endless.
I’m sure you will learn to dial in a way to optimize the seasons in both places. Also, consider a visit to our little oasis at some point. It’s about as relaxing and peaceful as it gets.
I've never been as interested in the past as the future--neither of which is helpful when trying to live closer to the present. And you are right about AA. Like religion, you are urged to keep believing in the narrative and nurture your commitment to it.
Dear Susie,
I also remember those days of trying so hard to impress. Exhausting but also fun.
You write so beautifully and vividly. Thank you!
I wish I could tune in on Sunday, but my daughter and granddaughter are here this weekend and we will be out and about in the snow. Love, Ani
Sounds like a joyful weekend. Great to hear from you and imagine you back east frolicking in the snow.
A good illustration of impermanence. We change no matter what, but to be cognizant of that, and to have some input into our transitions...that's wisdom. Your choice in middle age benefits all of us who follow you.
I got sober with the help of AA almost 40 yrs ago. After a decade or so I began to drift away, but didn't cut ties completely. About 15 years ago, I was asked to be guest speaker at a large meeting. I was on the podium about to tell my story when a voice in my head announced: "You don't know the person anymore that you are about to claim to be ." That was my--very awkward--transitional moment.
That's a powerful story. How did you manage it? Another correspondent wrote about the phases of his life growing alongside one another like the rings of a tree......the sense that the past is included in the present. I find that provocative.
I told the truth--that I suddenly realized I don't actually remember the person named Betsy who drank. I didn't get much feedback afterwards. A lot of AA folks believe "Once an alcoholic, always and alcoholic." So forgetting your former drinking/suffering self seems risky. As a firm believer in impermanence, I was ok with Betsy being reborn--a positive transition. I can no longer conjure up that earlier self. But then I've never had a good memory for the past. I couldn't write the stories you write about childhood.
The past is very alive for me. Still, I appreciate your "non-attachment to views." It sounds like you knew you were "supposed" to identify as an alcoholic for the rest of your life, but that belief didn't coincide with your reality. So you scrapped it on the spot and stayed present to the reality of impermanence. So hard to do...in front of a large meeting, no less.
I am reflecting that my old self is but a layer of my current self, like rings on a tree. The regrets are maybe like burn marks that are grown over by new rings. how fortunate we are, that we have the capacity for growth at any age.
This is a beautiful reflection. I've been thinking a lot about the possibility of change and how important it is to believe in positive change and make space for it.
The more I think of it, I think a portion of our behaviors is born out of insecurity. I think the more we know ourselves and are comfortable with who we are, the possibilities for growth and happiness are endless.
I'm so taken with your optimism. It's made my day here in northern California, fast becoming an outpost of the perennially rainy Pacific northwest.
I’m sure you will learn to dial in a way to optimize the seasons in both places. Also, consider a visit to our little oasis at some point. It’s about as relaxing and peaceful as it gets.
Must plan this for next winter.
Thanks, Susie.
What an intriguing reflection. Perfectly articulated and deeply resonating. Helpful to hear. Thank you, Susie Kaufman!
I felt, as I do some days out of the blue, that my old self was around the corner. The questions remains...how do I engage with her if we meet up?
So perfect! I think we can all identify…..I am finding at age 70 as I find my voice…..I am also called into silence🤔
Love that way of putting it...That you're called to silence as you find (your) voice. Just beautiful.