So nice to know that someone else practices “together-living-apart” for part of the year. My husband I just did our fifth year of me in Arizona while he winters in Wisconsin with our elderly dog. Your description of how you are when alone could have been me looking in the mirror. In the beginning, I worried that are time apart would hurt us. Now I know that it’s essential to each of us. Thank you for making what looks unconventional on the outside, normal and comfortable on the inside.
Great to know that we're not alone in this experimental practice. Another point that I find helpful is to recognize that the system can be flexible and not take the same shape every season.
That was a lovely description of long-term life with another--an experience I haven't had. Both of my others were limited. I have also treasured my life with me as other but your essay was the first time I have thought how special it would be to have a lifetime other. Both have their specialness but you can only have one or the other.
I think what we've been tinkering with is something of an attempt to "have it all." I've found the alone time extremely rich and, as I said to another correspondent, welcome the awareness that the whole scheme can be monkeyed with from year to year. Not feeling stuck in a forever plan feels good.
When I read that you were cemetery shopping, I was about to rudely jump in and tell you and Frank what Larry and I settled on back in Berkshire County--mixing our cremains with soil from a local private forest and spread below a tree that we bought in that forest a few years ago. But now that I've stopped jumping and read the rest of your passage, I've told myself also to stop showing off by butting into your eternity business and instead congratulate you on finding what sound like perfect resting places. Good work!
I don't think that's rude at all, Fran. The plan that you and Larry came up with sounds lovely. It was difficult for us because we were inclined in two very different directions. In the end, I came around to a burial for the two of us and I became comfortable with that. Thanks for writing!
Oh Susie!! I love the idea of twin selves... who we are with another or without. Seems that distance helps me find a certain part of myself that vacates the premises when I'm with a partner. I love both ways of being. And treasure you, too!! Thank you.
That's it exactly, Mary. It's like two forms of exercise or two different diets, both beneficial at different times. But I do believe that the solitude bleeds into the time Frank and I are together and makes us more mindful and more empathic.
Oh Susie, this is a laughing crying post. Your words are so alive. It seems impossible to imagine them describing visiting a place of such finalityand yet you show us that even the strangest decisions are made easier and better when we are in loving company.
50 years! or 49 and 4 months! (as a 4-year-old might say :) Congratulations! That is quite a life together!
This spring I spent 10 weeks away from my husband (though he visited for 3 of those), in the fall I spent 5, and last spring I spent 8. He absolutely loves the little town in Idaho where we live and he was born. I absolutely love our old trainstop house in Sicily. And the time alone, for me, is never enough. I love him deeply and we always are happy together. It's just, I need time alone. I need silence. I need to reset my internal clock and nervous system. I need time to read and to rest. (our time together is only half of yours and Franks, but I think this need of mine comes with aging.)
And yes, at 65, we have chosen our plot, next to his family. In a world full of not-knowing, it's a comfort to know this.
Jan! I remember when you were shopping for the house in Sicily. How wonderful to hear about your life there. The more I hear from people about their "unorthodox" arrangements, the more I get the big picture. People have a range of needs that are sometimes best met by spending some time in different locations, doing different creative things. The silence, the reading and resting are just essential.
Yes. Yes - thank you. " We hold each other in a rapture of deep familiarity." And "One of us will have to wait and I’m terrible at waiting and a rank amateur at not knowing. I will have to deepen my practice."
So nice to know that someone else practices “together-living-apart” for part of the year. My husband I just did our fifth year of me in Arizona while he winters in Wisconsin with our elderly dog. Your description of how you are when alone could have been me looking in the mirror. In the beginning, I worried that are time apart would hurt us. Now I know that it’s essential to each of us. Thank you for making what looks unconventional on the outside, normal and comfortable on the inside.
Great to know that we're not alone in this experimental practice. Another point that I find helpful is to recognize that the system can be flexible and not take the same shape every season.
That was a lovely description of long-term life with another--an experience I haven't had. Both of my others were limited. I have also treasured my life with me as other but your essay was the first time I have thought how special it would be to have a lifetime other. Both have their specialness but you can only have one or the other.
I think what we've been tinkering with is something of an attempt to "have it all." I've found the alone time extremely rich and, as I said to another correspondent, welcome the awareness that the whole scheme can be monkeyed with from year to year. Not feeling stuck in a forever plan feels good.
When I read that you were cemetery shopping, I was about to rudely jump in and tell you and Frank what Larry and I settled on back in Berkshire County--mixing our cremains with soil from a local private forest and spread below a tree that we bought in that forest a few years ago. But now that I've stopped jumping and read the rest of your passage, I've told myself also to stop showing off by butting into your eternity business and instead congratulate you on finding what sound like perfect resting places. Good work!
I don't think that's rude at all, Fran. The plan that you and Larry came up with sounds lovely. It was difficult for us because we were inclined in two very different directions. In the end, I came around to a burial for the two of us and I became comfortable with that. Thanks for writing!
Thank you for sharing. Aging is so mysterious with so many uncharted roads with bends and curves and blind spots. Keep travelling.
Learning is, as always, the umbrella paradigm. What can this teach me?
Oh Susie!! I love the idea of twin selves... who we are with another or without. Seems that distance helps me find a certain part of myself that vacates the premises when I'm with a partner. I love both ways of being. And treasure you, too!! Thank you.
That's it exactly, Mary. It's like two forms of exercise or two different diets, both beneficial at different times. But I do believe that the solitude bleeds into the time Frank and I are together and makes us more mindful and more empathic.
Oh Susie, this is a laughing crying post. Your words are so alive. It seems impossible to imagine them describing visiting a place of such finalityand yet you show us that even the strangest decisions are made easier and better when we are in loving company.
Kristin....I really appreciate looking out at language as if it has agency and a life of its own. "Susie's words go to the cemetery!" And why not?
I feel this deep in the marrow. Immaculate, beautiful work. 🌹
Thank you. You have given me permission, or at least encouragement, to explore this subject more fully.
I so enjoy stories like yours Susie. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Robyn. It seems to be about descending into experience instead of staying up in the mental gymnastics.
What a tender love story Susan. All of it, including the unsettling feelings emerging from the cemetery visit, and pending reality 🙏
It's all one story, isn't it? Kind of like recognizing that the earth is round and you can't fall off the edge.
50 years! or 49 and 4 months! (as a 4-year-old might say :) Congratulations! That is quite a life together!
This spring I spent 10 weeks away from my husband (though he visited for 3 of those), in the fall I spent 5, and last spring I spent 8. He absolutely loves the little town in Idaho where we live and he was born. I absolutely love our old trainstop house in Sicily. And the time alone, for me, is never enough. I love him deeply and we always are happy together. It's just, I need time alone. I need silence. I need to reset my internal clock and nervous system. I need time to read and to rest. (our time together is only half of yours and Franks, but I think this need of mine comes with aging.)
And yes, at 65, we have chosen our plot, next to his family. In a world full of not-knowing, it's a comfort to know this.
Jan! I remember when you were shopping for the house in Sicily. How wonderful to hear about your life there. The more I hear from people about their "unorthodox" arrangements, the more I get the big picture. People have a range of needs that are sometimes best met by spending some time in different locations, doing different creative things. The silence, the reading and resting are just essential.
Yes. Yes - thank you. " We hold each other in a rapture of deep familiarity." And "One of us will have to wait and I’m terrible at waiting and a rank amateur at not knowing. I will have to deepen my practice."
Love it, Susie. Thank you again.
Thanks, Pam. It feels good to be able to articulate this.
So tender and honest. I’m deeply touched and feel honored to be allowed in.
May there be many many first dates ahead.
I really appreciate your response. There are many ways to do "it."
Yes, there are many ways and it’s too bad more people don’t experiment with it.